IT'S ALIIIIIIVE

Oh, hey! Fancy seeing you here. Happy new year. I hope it's a good one.

I don't wanna get too deep into it because, I mean, it's just a weird awful mess and the details are gory, crude, and miserable, but to make a long story very very short I've amicably separated from my partner of six years and moved back to my dad's place following a bizarre injury, a life-threatening infection, and a lot of strife...

Long-time readers might remember that this site found its' legs the last time I lived there in my very early twenties. I say "there" because tonight is my last night in Cork. My mom's lived in Ireland since 2020. I've been here for about two months recovering and figuring out next steps.

It's time for real life to start again, though. I'm excited, nervous... whatever. Ready as I'll ever be. I have been trying to earn my Associate of Science from the community college in my hometown since the site was just one page of links and nonsense, but I have this habit of standing in my own way, so it's been a hell of an uphill climb with a lot of falling and getting back up. God, I want that little piece of paper.

Again, I don't really want to get into it, but I have a lot of freaky trauma and problems. These do not need to be retold on the blog, even if I'm tempted to talk about them because of course they've been on my mind. I've spent enough time rehashing them. Since I was literally eleven years old I've had this tendency to pledge my mind, body and soul to whichever person seemed willing to take them and use them as they pleased.

I have not ever lived for myself. I'll be 25 on the tenth of February, and I loved working on this site when I was doing it more actively because it felt like one of very few places I could just be whoever I am without worrying about being hated or pressured or teased. I am hoping that returning to it will make it easier to feel like myself. Once I had decided that I needed to leave, I told a friend that I felt I had made a good self for myself, and I was excited to really see who he is.

I'll end with a few recommendations for reading, because I've spent a lot of time lately doing quiet things alone.

I found some quotes from They Can't Kill Us Until They Kill Us by Hanif Abdurraqib that intrigued me so much I found the book and read it all in one sitting. You can do that here.

I also shotgunned Nobody Nowhere by Donna Williams in one night. I swear I could clip every paragraph and talk about how personally meaningful it was. Instead I'll just say "read it"!!! Here is a YouTube playlist of the author reading some excerpts, and the Internet Archive borrow link I used is here.

I also really liked Clowning in Rome by Henri Nouwen.
This blog entry's header-picture is taken from my copy.

I can't find a link to the text, but I'll share an excerpt:

Clowns are not in the center of the events. They appear between the great acts, fumble and fall, and make us smile again after the tension created by the heroes we came to admire. The clowns don't have it together, they do not succeed in what they try, they are awkward, out of balance, and left-handed, but... they are on our side. We respond to them not with admiration but with sympathy, not with amazement but undestanding, not with tension but with a smile. Of the virtuosi we say, "How can they do it?" Of the clowns we say, "They are like us."